Heroscape Poetry.

[sinferno]

Because I am bored, talented and hateful. I will now write a short poem dedicated to heroscape. But I am not that good so I decided to put it in the one place where I can make sure no one will ever read it....


"Plastic Passions" by Sinferno.

I've got plastic heroes.
At ten dollars a throw.
Many dollars and zeros
Into bankruptcy I go.

I've got a girlfriend.
She is filled with scorn.
Wishing that it would end.
And I would start buying porn.

Plastic hero's in my head.
Plastic credit dues unpaid.
Plastic toys upon my bed.
Keeping me from getting laid.

Be sure an watch for future installments in the series such as "knocking down small children for the last booster pack" and "I drink out of my dice cup" coming soon.

[sinferno]

"I drink out of my dice cup" by Sinferno

I drink out of my dice cup.
and it often helps my play.
especially when I throw up.
and wash your armies away.

While you are throwing dice.
Like so many gamer rookies.
Your armies will run like mice.
Whenever I toss my cookies.

Please bring all your gaming junk.
I'm feeling sick and abusive.
I want to spray my putrid gunk.
on your last gencon exclusive.

"Is there a counter to vomit attacks?"
Is what you probably are thinking.
Once perfect army's become "sticky stacks".
When the Sinferno has been drinking.

I hate heroscape geeks to hell.
To ruin your game is my goal.
While I enjoy to play as well.
I'm afraid this is just "how I roll".

[sinferno]

"Shaking Down Small Children
for the last booster pack"
by Sinferno


I've come from too many miles away.
To be beaten by the likes of you.
I saw it first, from three aisles away!
So there's only one thing left to do.

You WILL give me that blister pack.
Or you will not like the result.
Your young body is chubby and slack.
While I have the strength of an adult.

Taking it away by force won't be nice.
But it's a fee I must now pay.
Still cheaper than the insane price.
Of getting Khosumet from ebay.

GIVE ME the WAVE THREE BOOSTER!
Or I'll spank you with a belt.
Make you cry like a rooster;
leave a "blister pack" of a welt.

And don't try crying to mother.
We don't have to meet her 'till one.
What? You have found another?
I'll always love you my son...

[sinferno]

This final poem was inspired by the cretins on the other site who just seemed to use heroscape as an excuse to travel accross the country and get drunk with a bunch of other desperate, unmarried sweaty guys in a hotel for a week or two. On a related note. If you ever play heroscape with me, don't EVER touch me. There are many circumstances where you might feel this might be a good thing to do, all of them dreadfully incorrect. I don't care if you wiped out my whole team with a lucky series of rolls, if we were wagering on the game and you just won my girlfriend for the night or you just choked on a die and are flailing about my game table for CPR you know damned well you aren't gonna get. I will however, shake your hand because I am magnaminous player and a good sport, but high five's, back slapping, arm punching and assorted homoerotic symoblic reach-around gestures will cause you to incur a real life game penalty which will cause about 10 damage markers (thirty stitches) to repair. This being said, don't hate the game, hate the playah...

"Gencon Gay-mer" by Sinferno

I won't attend your convention.
Not this or in a future year.
Forgive my condesention.
But you all seem a bit of queer.

Rooms thick with geek masses.
Fondling each others toys.
Steaming up their glasses
role-ing with other boys.

You wonder "Will Plague attack work?"
Or debate "Whether heroes can ward?"
your game is but is a circle jerk
centered around a plastic board.

Though it doth shrivel my loin.
And seems just as gay,
I could perchance one day join,
and play your game MY WAY.

Oh, to take all my vipers
the best of character classes.
Pull down your adult diapers
And shove them up your geek asses.

[sinferno]

Mr Bistro

Not that I care enough to explain anything to anyone when I make my rounds once every six months and visit this online den of inequity and acne, but that was the point, the point of the poem. Perhaps you could have your mommy read it you again?

Had you read the following stanza you would have seen that I was saying that the whole gengon experience reeks of homoeroticism:

"Though it doth shrivel my loin.
And seems just as gay,
I could perchance one day join,
and play your game MY WAY."

So when I say I want to stick objects up peoples asses I was going for a hopefully witty variation on a theme which was started in verse one. I wasn't looking for a date, sorry to disappoint you. The whole process of sticking things up peoples asses has a rich cultural tradition in this country for not actually alluding to anal violation of of any kind, but just to mean take your crap and shove it where the dice dont rattle, so to speak.

If I cared, if I gave a milton bradley motherfucking damn, and if I haven't sold all my heroscape stuff on ebay months ago I might care to quarrel with you further, but as you can see there is no point. I just bought a $3,500 computer and play all my games online so now when I meet an insipid dolt on my monitor I can put a railgun round in his back in real time, a satisfying way to deal with my fellow man online which is not only more fulfilling than the usual insipid "table talk" of a board game but one that saves me all this pointless sophmoric cyber-squabbling on various message boards which no one ever wins.

Seriously, it was time to get out. Plastic toys are for girls. Of course you are probably going to say that makes me some sort of lesbian, idiot that you are.

[hextr1p]

sinferno said:

I just bought a $3,500 computer...

Really?

Don't really care how obscenely powerful the machine is. $3,500 for a computer... yeah, you paid too much.

.H3X.

[mrbistro]

sinferno said:

Plastic toys are for girls.

Then you'll definitely want to stay far, far away from plastic toys, won't you tiger?

[sinferno]

Six months and I came back, did you miss me? Now let's address the fan mail, shall we?

Don't really care how obscenely powerful the machine is. $3,500 for a computer... yeah, you paid too much.

Hextrip> I will not speak of value, of money responsibility, of R.O.I with people who think that $50.00 is a reasonable price to pay for a machine painted figure worth less than .25 in American dollars. I was once like you so I will try not to judge lest I strike out of hypocrisy. I would love to talk of the joys of supercomputing with you, but I am afraid they would be lost on your small underage brain. For example if I told you that my new machine had a "terrabyte" of storage, your first thought would be how "that sounds like a neato-cool name for a high-tech digital dinosaur figure series, maybe wave 7. I'll take ten." But I was once like you, sick; a plastic addict, and I found help at buyxg.com. Get help, if not for yourself, then do it for the rubber woman who lives under your game chest.

"Then you'll definitely want to stay far, far away from plastic toys, won't you tiger?"

Mrbistro> I need no plastic toys now. Not when there are people like you to play with. But that retort was hardly worthy of rebuttal. Tiger? Tiger?? Tiger??? If I were to choose between being a jungle cat and a fool, I would choose the one who wouldn't provoke the other into a fight he could not win.

Which one am I and which are you? Modesty forbids me from revealing my true nature, but here's a hint. I'm the one with the teeth and claws, motherfucker. Loosen the gate just a wee bit more, much like you have already unfastened that cockholster you call a mouth and I will be happy to show you how they work.

See you in six, do mark it down in your fun pads.

-S

[mrbistro]

Nothin' funnier than a fat guy jerking off at his computer, implying he is something akin to a predatory animal. By all means, continue ranting. Everyone finds it amusing when the troll with delusions of grandeur enters the forum.

Will he suffer from the belief his words are powerful? Check!
Will he believe his wit to be matchless? Check!
Will he squeeze himself into the tiny mold all internet "non conformists" find themselves trapped in? Check!

'Tis sad in a way. So much desire to revolt against the norm, yet in the end the little troll becomes the same tired stereotype seen so many times before. Dance little troll! No doubt your girlfriend will read one of your posts and provide assurances you are very clever.

[sinferno]

Mr Bistro> The only thing more pathetic than someone such as myself who wastes his time and considerable wit tormenting underdeveloped minds of all ages who still play the dead, second rate board game called Heroscape, is someone who is foolish enough to quarrel with him, and somehow try and defend it. I can walk away from here knowing I pissed on the corpse of something that you love and you got upset by it. And all you can do is delude yourself, once I am gone and try and tell yourself that it isn't really dead. I laugh at you. Your anger over plastic pieces in a superficial sci-fi world ruled by crudely constructed combat systems is my saving throw against net boredom. I can obvously fuck you hard, and you don't even know how to unroll the condom.

Now as for me, my rants here actually did get me something, something of value, since we spoke last, my friend. So perhaps my words are indeed powerful. I now write articles for Angry-gamer.net and I play my video games for free. I got this job strictly because Flamey likes the way I powned your ass here and above. So thanks buddy. I owe you one, you make a fine whipping boy for me to show off my talent. So maybe my wit isn't matchless, but I now get free video games that run on pentium power not imagination. But don't take my word for it, read it and weep, fucko.

I don't want to rage against the norm, I want to be exceptional. And not in the special way that retards like you think they always surpass the status quo. And finally I don't need a damn woman to tell me how clever I am, I turned a damned fool, on a dead message board devoted to a stupid game system into something with some play value.

May you end up like heroscape itself, dead, forgotten and in the closet of a fat kid.

See you in six, I just love the smell of rotting plastic.